From the Sick Bed

Posted Sun, 01/13/08

I wasn't able to attend my aunt's funeral yesterday because I was as sick as a limp biscuit. Aside from an eye infection and two cold sores at each corner of my mouth, I felt the aches of oncoming flu and generally felt like hell. I stayed in bed most of the day.

I was unhappy about missing the funeral service. Even though I didn't get to see her very often, Aunt Jean was one of my favorite people.

Lying in bed most of Saturday, my thoughts took a winding but understandable path.

As people get older they tend to think about their own mortality, especially when there is a string of natural or unnatural deaths in the family. It stands to reason that one wonders about the outcome of their own life when others start passing them by.

When I was twenty, or even thirty, I never wondered about such things. After turning forty, perspectives change – usually for the better, unless one's life sucks to begin with. A long time ago someone, somewhere came up with the saying "Life can change on a dime." It's true. Rather than be apprehensive about it, I welcome all changes because I tend to think in the positive instead of the negative. However, I seem to attract negative people into my personal life for reasons I cannot explain, so people who know me often think that's my outlook as well. Well, it isn't and never has been. Left to my own devices, my perspective is naturally positive. In other words, I see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty.

Anything is possible if the individual puts their mind, heart and soul into it.

Without distractions, mind you. Being a writer who does not partner with anyone on a creative level is not conducive to a healthy personal relationship or marriage. It just doesn't work. This is fine by me, because if I had to choose between a marriage and a career I would most definitely take the career. Others might feel differently, of course, especially those who have not been married multiple times as I have and become disillusioned by the premise. That doesn't mean a relationship can't be successful, as long as the non-writing half doesn't assume or desire to be the primary focus of the writing-half.

One part of me wishes I had never married at all, knowing the time could have been better spent. Another part of me is glad for the experiences because each marriage taught me something different, whether it was good or bad.

Each of my attempts at wedded bliss had a little of both, I think. The "good" is the brief flashes of happiness and knowing what traits I'd like in another person down the road. The "bad" is the unpleasant flashes and knowing what traits I don't want in another person.

Unfortunately the bad outweighs the good at this point, but I refuse to let it pull me down. Life's scales will change for the better in due course. Whether it's sooner or later is anyone's guess, but I do believe the "good" will eventually reign supreme.